*This dialogue takes place entirely in my imagination, unfortunately. I have yet to actually meet our beloved 43rd Avenue "artist".
Locus: 43rd Avenue, the construction fence around the abandoned lot
Tempus: 9:39pm on a Tuesday
Personae: One scrawny little effer who is not-even-surreptitiously applying graffiti to the fence that it took me FOUR HOURS to paint, and one OGCLE.
OGCLE: Excuse me sir! [this line is delivered in the shrillest of voice]
Artist: What the f--- [he is startled enough to almost drop the can]. B*tch, what the f?!
OGCLE: Sir, with all due respect, I ask that you stop spraypainting.
Artist: [turns back to his great work in progress and starts spraying some more] Mind your own business.
OGCLE: Since I live here, this is my business.
Artist: Yeah, and who the f- are you?
OGCLE: Are you serious? [deep sigh] I happen to be the OGCLE.
Artist: Sheeet, you damn right you ugly. And fat.
OGCLE: Not "ugly". OGCLE. As in Obsessed Garbage Collecting Lady of Elmhurst.
[The Artist stares blankly]
OGCLE: I walk around picking up litter from 43rd Avenue??
Artist: [wrinkles his face in disgust] Thaz nasty. What kinda loser are you, dang! Anywayz, you gonna be the DEAD-le if you don't stop yappin at me.
OGCLE: Your threats are meaningless, for I have decided that it is my mission to un-filthify 43rd Avenue, even if I must sacrifice my own life to do so! You see, I simply cannot tolerate living in filth. The litter you see all around you, that constitutes a large part of the filth. No one likes to slip and slide on used condoms and fish heads while strolling along the sidewalk. But another part of the filth is graffiti.
Artist: B*tch, you crazy. And you annoying me. And 'sides, I can't help it, yo. When I gotz the itch, I gotta CREATE!
OGCLE: What do you mean? You have an "itch" to run outside and deface property?
Artist: [grins smugly] I ain't defacing nothing. I am claiming it. SDL all da way!
OGCLE: What does that even stand fo- oh, who care? Yes, you are defacing this fence! Look, you may have talent, I don't know, I mean, it looks like you can draw, a, uh, wavy line. But please understand that your work does not belong here. You can create glorious pieces of art, in, say, a sketchbook. Or, on an actual canvas.
Artist: The world is my canvas, beeaytch! [at this point, the Artist sighs and digs something out of his schoolbag. The OGCLE momentarily worries that it is a gun, but seeing how the kid looks like he barely weighs 90 pounds, she doubts he could even hold a gun steady enough to shoot it. It turns out that the Artist was reaching for a can of Heinekin. He pops it open.]
Artist: All this yapping made me thirsty. [He takes a gulp, and noticably gags, but forces it back down.]Yeah, just needed a lil refreshment. Thaz right, I drink BEER, not water.
OGCLE: That reminds me of England in the 1700s: Londoners were actually safer drinking beer because the water had fukall in it- cholera, you name it-
Artist: B*tch, SHUT THE EFF UP! [The sip of beer has clearly made this kid drunk, and clearly he is not a happy drunk.]
OGCLE: Yeah, you're right, I'm sick of talking to you anyway. I am just going to call 911.
Artist: Yeah, you do and you'll be real sorry. I gotz friends, you know, friends who are a little sick of you interferin with they relaxation time, you know.
OGCLE: Oh, do you mean those boys who smoke pot across the street every night?
Artist: [stomps his feet in a manner that brings to mind Rumplestilskin.] Ain't no "boys" here!!-- we are all MEN-
OGCLE: [trying to suppress a giggle] Come on, you can't be more than 14.
Artist: I AM TWENTY-SIX YEARS OLD!
OGCLE: You're kidding. Wow.
Artist: [Still irate, huffing and puffing and walking in circles] Don't you see my goatee?! Only a MAN can grow facial hair like that!
OGCLE: [squinting close] Those three little hairs? I have the same thing. Congratulations. You have the same amount of facial hair as a 30-something year old woman. But that's not the point. The point is, what the heck kind of loser are you? You are a grown man indeed, and this is what you do??
Artist: -------
[What happens next?! Did the OGCLE push too far? Will the Artist actually whip out a gun at this point, and/or spray OGCLE in the eyes with paint? Or will he turn his anger inward, and take another gulp of beer, thus rendering himself too drunk to care?? Sorry to leave you in suspense, but I have to go home now.]
P.S. In all seriousness people, if you see some loser spraypainting, call 911 immediately! The 110 just arrested two losers because a good citizen called 911 on them. And a few weeks ago the 108 (I think) arrested two OTHER losers in Sunnyside, who were caught red-handed (or maybe purple-handed, green-handed, I dunno what color they were working with, but it was on their hands). Truth be told, the Artist depicted in this work of theatrical genius is based on one of the Sunnyside graffiti a-holes, even though they never actually tagged this far uptown.
No comments:
Post a Comment